Monday, January 14, 2013

Are You A Victim Of Single Mom Silly-Itis?



Are You A Victim Of Single Mom Silly-Itis?

As we continue to work on getting ourselves together we need to discuss this little disease I heard about that seems to be going around.  It’s nothing major, but now we need to talk about it before it becomes a pandemic.

What am I talking about?  Ok, let me tell you.  It’s a disease going around called Single Mom Silly-itus (now don’t get offended).  Some of the single moms have fallen victim to this illness, and it seems to be happening quite often.  But guess what?  If there is a disease, you know God has the cure.  That’s what I love about the Lord, nothing catches Him by surprise, and He always has the answer.      
Let’s discuss some of the symptoms of this disease called, "Single Mom Silly-Itis"; I am sure you can probably think of more.

Read on…

Symptom No.  1: She chooses a man over the well-being of her children.

The most important people in a single mom's world (other than the Lord) should be her children.  You are responsible for everything in their lives, their needs, safety, etc. everything.  All of these needs (needs, not their wants) should come before anyone else, including yours.  Simply put, NEVER put a man (and I don’t care how fine he is and how much money he has) before your children!  Never allow him to mistreat your children.  The man you are dating shouldn’t be disciplining your child, that is your job.  Yes, they should show respect to the person in your life, as they should be doing with all their elders, but discipline is still your responsibility.  Until he says I DO, you DON’T let him have control in your child’s life.  Some men try to impress the single mom by demonstrating their ability to handle her children.  Single Mom, don't fall for it, and don't allow it.  Don't allow ANY man to hit or verbally abuse your child - EVER!  A God fearing man will understand his place in your life and will not try to overstep it.  He will, however, offer you Godly wisdom when needed, but he will respect his place in your life.

Never, never, ever under any circumstance leave your children alone with a man whom you do not absolutely; 100% know and trust!  Ladies, just because you have gone out a couple of times, and he has spent some money on you doesn’t mean that he has earned the right to be alone with your children.  Too many children end up dead and/or abused because some unthinking mother leaves them unattended with a lover.  Single mom; always be around as much as possible when your children are with your special friend.

THE CURE: Proverbs 31:25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.    

Symptom No 2: She puts her own needs ahead of her children.  

We've all seen it.  Women who are sporting Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, FUBU, Donna Karan, Baby Phat, Sean John, and Versace (did I name enough?) while their children are wearing worn out  and hand me downs clothes.  While you’re getting your hair done every two weeks and the nails done once a month, your children are doing without some of the basic things they need.

Again, your children’s needs should ALWAYS, ALWAYS be taken care of first.  Kids have enough to deal with everyday without worrying about having proper clothes to wear, shoes on their feet or kids teasing them about wearing hand-me-down clothes.  You remember what that was like!  Don’t put your kids through it.  Use whatever is left to spend on your indulgences, or find a girlfriend that is your size and start swapping clothes.  Been there, done that.  It works!

A mother's first responsibility is ALWAYS to her child.  Your hair can wait to be styled, and if it can’t I suggest you get a perm kit (or whatever you use) and learn to do it yourself!  Your nails won't fall off if you miss a week or two of pampering.  If they do, take them all off and paint them yourself until you can get to the manicurist.  Believe me, you will live!  If things are that tight, you shouldn’t be getting them done anyway.
Do I need to say it?  Ok, I will say it anyway.  Your kids didn't ask to be born.  It was your "caught up in the moment act" (some of you) that brought them here.  So don't slight them by not properly meeting their needs.  Take care of your kids first.

THE CURE: Proverbs 31:27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 

Proverbs 31:22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.  

Symptom No.  3: She puts down the children's father.  (and most times, in front of the children)
Ladies, I understand the man did you wrong.  I understand the temptation to rake him over the coals.  However, as single moms, we have to be extra careful not to insult and demean the children’s father in front of them.  This can create low self-image in children, teach them to hate their father, and even lead some children to feel that they must choose between mom and dad.  If a child constantly hears the hateful sentiments his mother has against their father, the child may draw the conclusion that they too, are "bad" or "undesirable”, just like their father.  And you really don’t want this to happen to them.

Whatever happened between you and their father should remain that way.  The children shouldn’t have to hear each time he misses paying child support, or that he is dating someone else with kids, and doing things with her kids that he didn’t do with them.  They should not hear that he is a no good ____, and you wish that his _____ would fall off.  That is not the image you want the children to have of their father.  You must allow them form their own opinion.  You don’t have to worry, if he is everything you say he is, they will find out; he can only hide it for so long.  Your job is to keep them encouraged, and feed their minds with whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, and of a good report.  It isn’t your job to discredit their father.  Don’t worry; he will do that without any help from you. Just give him a little time..  .

THE CURE: Ephesians 6:4 … Provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

Symptom No.  4: She blames the children for her current position in life.  Let’s face it.  We are where we are because of the choices, we made.  The choices you made were decided by YOU, not your children.  We have all spent time in “La La Land” dreaming of what could have been if only we hadn’t gotten pregnant.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Don't ever allow yourself to get lost dreaming of what your life would have been if only you hadn’t gotten pregnant.  Deal with reality.  Reality is you can’t blame your kids because your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to.  It’s not their fault that you can no longer wear a size six!  It’s not their fault that you didn’t finish college.  And it's certainly not their fault that you can’t find and keep a man.  You are in control of your life.  If you don’t like it make a change. 

There are shallow men out there that won't date a woman with children.  There are people that will tell you that no man will want you because you have kids.  The devil is a liar!  God has a man created just for you and your children.  You know as well as I do that there are tons of single moms that have found wonderful relationships with men that love them, and all that comes along with them.  So, when the time is right and when you're ready, God will send that right person, and he'll love you and your children endlessly.  In the meantime, work on being the best "you" that you can be, and prepare yourself to receive the great blessing the Lord has waiting for you.

THE CURE: Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 

Symptom No.  5: She yells at, humiliates, and abuses her children. We've all seen it!  The crying, whining and tantrum throwing kids in the grocery store lines.  Now I believe (this is my belief; you are entitled to disagree) children should be disciplined.  When they misbehave, calling them names, and jerking the kids' arms out of the joint are not acceptable means discipline.  These actions are so demeaning to children that it may cause them to become overly shy and withdrawn.  Every mom wants their children to be well mannered, especially in public, but we also want them to grow into uninhibited, free-spirited individuals with confidence and vigor.  Humiliating a child in a public place can inhibit this type of healthy development.  I believe if we train them up right at home, they will know how to behave when they get in public.  Now they may try you, but once they realize what you will and won’t tolerate, they won’t do it again. 

We should not humiliate our children, but build up their confidence and promote healthy development.  Our ultimate goal is to teach the child how to conduct themselves in private and public places, not to break their little spirits.  Besides, public displays of screaming and hitting really make YOU look ignorant, uncouth, and silly, more than it does the child.  Remember, there are always people rolling their eyes and wishing someone would call 911 to control the mom, not the child.  So moms start the training at home, and you will save yourself a lot of stress when in public.

THE CURE: Colossians 3:21 … provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Symptom No.  6: She's not involved in the lives of her children.  There is more to being a mother than just feeding and clothing your children. You must take the time to get to know your kids.  They are not "nuisances" or "distractions" in your day; they're your children.  They have had a hard day too, and they want and need your undivided attention whenever possible and as often as possible.  Spend time getting to know them, and going places with them.  Don’t just drop them off so you can have some free time, or see what friend they can spend the weekend with so you and your man can have some alone time. 

All right, I know you need some down time, but not every weekend.  There are too many things your kids can get into when you drop them off at the mall every week.  So don’t just drop them off, maybe you should schedule time with them for a movie at the mall once in a while.  Don’t become so involved with enlarging your social life that you forget to spend quality time with your children.

I remembered working so much that it was always the reason why I wasn’t able to attend functions at my kids’ school.  Then one day I actually took time off and went to have lunch with my daughter Angee when she was in elementary school.  When I walked into the classroom, I found her staring at the door waiting for me to arrive.  There was a look on her face that I will never forget.  It made me wonder how many other times had she been staring at that door hoping I would walk through it to spend time with her and I never did.  That look caused me to make a change in my career, so I could attend more of my children’s school functions.

That look (as you can see) is one I have never forgotten, and it made a difference in my life.
Please get involved with your children and their school activities.  If you don’t, the wrong elements of this world will.

And ladies always make sure when the evening comes you know where your children are.  When I was a younger every night the announcer on TV would say, “It’s 10 O’clock; do you know where your children are?”  Well do you?

THE CURE: Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.  

Symptom No.  7: She spoils them rotten.    We all know moms like this (and I am guilty).  Without consideration for boundaries some of us mothers give their children everything and anything they desire.  They go through life thinking the world owes them something because they are here.  They expect things to be given to them all the time.  If you have raised a son this way, he will be slothful, ok lazy.  You will have to make him work.  He may never leave home, and if he does get a job, he won’t keep it long because if things don’t go his way, he always have a place to stay… his mother’s house.  Worse, your son could turn out to be a gigolo, waiting to be kept by a woman.  After all didn’t his mom keep him?  Scary isn’t it?

What about if you have raised your daughter this way, need I say what she will be called?  Gold-digger, money grabbing, etc., you’ve heard the names.  She’ll always be waiting, let me change that; she will always be hunting for what she considers the right man.  She will be checking his stats to see what he has, where he can take her, and checking the prices on any gift that he buys her.  This wouldn’t be a child of yours would it?  Nah!

The end result….  You have raised a child with no respect for authority and no appreciation for hard work.  You may have raised another welfare case.  They will always be expecting someone, anyone to take care of them.  Don’t your children deserve better?  Of course they do.  So train them the right way.

THE CURE:  Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.  

I know it’s hard sometimes being a single mom and none of us are perfect, but we should aspire to be the best moms we can be.  So don't get frustrated.  Just review the "symptoms" of "silly-itis" from time to time to make sure you are operating as a healthy, strong single mom.  If you are not, take some time out of your busy schedule and apply the cure needed to stop the symptom from spreading.  You will find your reward will be great!

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her

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